Learning to fly

I’m learning to fly, but I ain’t got wings.

Coming down is the hardest thing.

Goodness gracious, IRONMAN training is really ramping up.

I did my longest run of 10 miles last Monday. My legs definitely hurt after that. I needed some extra recovery. They felt like lead on the bike for a while, but starting to feel normal again. I’m able to run again thankfully. No injuries! Just muscle pain, you know, the usual. I’m so grateful for no injuries this far into training, especially on the running front. That’s definitely been my biggest worry.

Swimming has been meh. I haven’t been doing it as much as I should be. To be completely honest, it’s just not fun for me. It’ll probably come back to bite me. But I think I can hobble through the swim. My biggest focus has to be on the running because I won’t make it, period, if I don’t.

I’ve never run a half marathon before. I’ve swam 1.2 miles many times in my life. Heck, I used to do it 3-4 times a week. I know that the ocean is a completely different beast. But I can do this!

Same with the ride. I can do a 50 mile tempo ride. Not that I take it for granted. But I just know that I can do it. I’m comfortable eating and drinking on the bike, which I’ll need to do to fuel my run.

So, as it winds ever closer, and I start to push some of my highest mileage yet, it just brings me to a place where I feel more confident overall.

***

Well, what else is new?

I take off for Barcelona next week. It’ll be my first trip overseas ever and only my second time out of the country. (I went to Quebec to study abroad in college.)

I’m nervous as all hell, especially with some of the travel restrictions/requirements, but I am confidently vaccinated and excited to see the sun rise from an entirely different continent.

I am excited to work at the IRONMAN event, to swim in the ocean, and to get a lot of running miles in.

When I get back, I’ll be busy with work and getting my dogs vet care. Huxley is getting some dental work, and Emma has a mass that I think she’ll need removed. I even made an eye doctor appointment. Busy busy!

Then, there’s the Cross of Ages cyclocross race. I’m doing both Saturday and Sunday races. Saturday is the pure novice category. Sunday is Cat 3/4/Novice. We’ll see how it goes, but I am soooo excited to do my first official cross race. I’ll have USAC points even. Since I plan on racing a whole lot more in 2022, it’s a cool first step toward those more “official” events. (Don’t worry, gravel will still be at the top of my list.)

And then … IRONMAN Oceanside. We’re headed to San Diego. A slow roll in the car as we traverse the bottom half of the country. I want to take more trips and road trips, so this is something I’m highly looking forward to. Next year will definitely include a lot of car and bike miles. Heck, maybe I’ll have my adventure van by then.

Guess we will see.

Mentally, I am feeling good.

I know that October is going to be a huge growth month for me, just by the nature of all that I’m doing. But I’m also adding in journaling each day. I’m excited to start exploring some deeper thoughts and feelings surrounding my core being.

My journey to Austin has been a huge path of self discovery. I think after I got sick, and after I quit drinking, I didn’t quite do that enough. I don’t know if I was quite ready enough for it.

The me of 5 years ago never thought I’d end up where I am now. Mentally, physically and emotionally.

I remember making those decisions back then with the thought that future me would be very grateful for what I was doing. Because it was hard to start. It’s hard to start something new, it’s even harder to suck at that new thing you’ve started, and the hardest of all is not knowing if you’re even going to like it. What’s the investment for? Self discovery?

Ha.

But it works. I found myself at the pool after a very, very low point in my life, wondering when or if I’d ever feel like a human again. If I’d ever shake off the excruciating pain of my immune system tweaking out.

The water surrounded my heart and soul with hope where it had been literally non-existent in every other part of my life. I ditched the drinking that had been my go-to for everything. I found comfort “inside” for the first time, realizing that this is my new life. No longer was it hours sitting in my garden and playing in the dirt. It was walls. It was games. It was the pool.

And then it became the gym. I started doing exercise classes with friends. I started to discover some more happiness and community. I wanted to get strong as fuck! I started lifting heavy. I fell in love. I finally had other people who believed in me and helped me push through some tough therapy, the acceptance that I’ll be on medication and allergy shots and “managing” a chronic condition for the rest of my life.

It started to become less of my identity and more of just a “thing” that I was doing.

And then I discovered cycling. I was so scared that my condition was going to limit me. Can I even ride outside?

Yes. Yes I could. I’d have to be careful. Listen to my body. Stay up on my meds. Take rest on days when the allergies got bad.

I can’t even tell you how thrilling it was to be “outside” again.

I went places. I felt love strengthen with my partner and with my friends. We saw so many amazing sights. We accomplished so many amazing miles. And indoor training and the spinning room was my lifeline when times were hard, both with my body and life in general.

When I lost love, and I lost my home and my comfortable life, work, bikes and my dogs were the few things I felt carried over from all that I had accomplished. I just filled up my schedule with races and moved forward as fast as I could. But a big part of me wondered if this is really what I want to do, if this is really who I am.

Fast forward to now, and that answer is a resounding YES!

Scream it from the rooftops — I am where I want to be, where I need to be, where I am so happy to be.

So now comes the deeper part. It’s going to be an interesting journey, to say the least. But it’s one I think I am finally ready for.

***

This has definitely been a long blog post, so thank you for sticking it out with me. I can’t wait to update you on the next step of the journey.

It’s going to be long and tedious, as these things often are. But I know I’m going to come out on the other side in a good place. Not necessarily a “changed” person, but definitely more self aware, confident and in-tune with my sense of self.

Until then — be good to yourself. You deserve it. <3